“What’s fascinating about the Enneagram is if you go deep down into it, each number has a deep core fear. Many times, we are motivated by that fear.”
One of the personality assessments I love the most is the Enneagram.
It certainly wasn’t always this way though. When I first came across the assessment in 2014, I found it confusing so I ditched learning more about it and focused on other assessments (like Myers-Briggs and CliftonStrengths) instead.
Then, around 2018, the Enneagram became hot on social media and in everyday life. Workshops were popping up everywhere to learn more about it, including one at my daughter’s school. I jumped at the chance to finally figure this assessment out.
What I learned during that workshop opened my eyes to a deep understanding about myself that was mind-blowing. I was sold on the Enneagram’s power.
So, from there I had all of my clients take the assessment so I could better understand how their number(s) impacted them.
It’s been two years now since I started that project and goodness, do I have some Enneagram understandings for you!
I’VE BEEN ABLE TO LEARN SO MUCH. INCLUDING THINGS LIKE…
- What the Enneagram is REALLY testing (that very few people know about)
- Specific patterns each Enneagram number has and how once someone sees these patterns, they can overcome their problems with a lot more ease
- How each Enneagram type shows up in coaching, including the Enneagram types that thrive the most in my practice and what types I DON’T typically see. (Spoiler: There’s one Enneagram number I’ve NEVER knowingly had in my coaching practice!)
- How my Enneagram number causes me to view other Enneagram numbers in different ways
…and so much more
If you love Enneagram, this episode is for you. Listen now via the link at the top of this page.
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
→ Continue the conversation in my free online community
→ The Free Enneagram assessment I prefer
Full Transcript
Your Enneagram Coach
This is the Become an Unstoppable Woman podcast with Lindsay Preston Episode 108,
My Enneagram Understandings – Part 1.
[music]
Welcome to the Become An Unstoppable Woman podcast, the show for goal-getting,
fear-facing women for kicking ass by creating change. I’m your host, Lindsay Preston.
I’m a wife, mom of two, and a multi-certified life coach to women all over the world.
I’ve lived through enough in life to know that easier doesn’t always equate to better.
We can’t fear the fire, we must learn to become it. On this show, I’ll teach you how to
do just that. Join me as I challenge you to become even more of the strong, resilient,
and powerful woman you were meant to be. Let’s do this.
[music]
Hi there, Ms. Unstoppable, welcome to another episode of the show. As always, so
grateful to have you here. Now, just in case you’ve missed it, maybe this is your first
episode listening to the show in a while or ever, we have a podcast book. As you can
see, we’re on episode 108 of the show. The first 100 episodes we created a book
summarizing each of those 100 episodes. It is crazy awesome. It is truly a study guide
for life. Either you’ve listened to those episodes or not, either way, you want to get your
hands on this book because you’re going to be able to just flip through it and reference
anything that you were going through at any time.
Say you’re experiencing disappointment, you will flip to the page that says dealing with
disappointment and it’ll walk you through step-by-step what to do to process that
feeling. Changing career, got to that episode, flip, flip, flip. Okay, here’s what Lindsay
suggest to make a strategic career change. Want to improve your resume? Flip, flip, flip
go to the page that says rock your resume and start to learn just what is going on in
that episode so you can understand is it something I want to invest more time on. This
book is free. You can get it by just leaving a review for the show. Wherever you listen to
your podcast, hopefully, they have a spot where you can leave a review.
On Apple podcast, is the big one. Go there, leave a review for the show, take a picture
of that review, and then submit it to lindsayepreston.com/100. There you will then
submit that picture and my assistant Rachel will send you the podcast book. If you’re a
current client, you will get a printed book. You want to go do that. Now, I will say if you
can’t leave a review on your podcast player, you can go to my Facebook page, just
search Lindsay Preston and you will see my business page pop up. Go leave a review
for the show over there.
Then again, take a picture of it, submit it to that link. Links, as always, are in the show
notes if you miss them, but you definitely want to get your hands on this book. It took
us so many hours and thousands and thousands of dollars to put this book together.
With all that time and money invested in it, it was edited and edited again and again
and again and again. Oh my gosh, it’s been one of the biggest projects I think I have
ever taken on in my business. I’m so proud of it because I know of the change it’s going
to create in your life and it’s free. Do not miss that book.
Okay, now, let’s get into what we’re talking about this week which is the Enneagram. I
can’t wait. I have been thinking about this episode for months now and planning it out
in my head again and again and again. If you haven’t worked with me in a coaching
setting, you may not know that I actually love personality assessments. They light me
up like no other. When a client decides they’re going to work with me, I have them go
take a slew of personality assessments, and one of those assessments is the
Enneagram. The reason why I have them take all the assessments I have them take, is I
want to see what’s under the hood in essence, what is going on in their brain. It allows
me to then step into their shoes even more and understand, okay, this is how somebody
processes information.
This is how they’re looking at the world. These are their top values. These are their
Clifton strengths. These are the things that likely will be in overdrive that are causing
more problems in their life than good. I need to figure out a way to fine-tune this.
These are likely some beliefs they have in their life that are holding them back. I could
go on and on about all the things I gather from personally assessments, but today, as I
said, we’re talking about Enneagram. For Enneagram, it’s really testing your motivation.
In essence, you are motivated many times by fear. Have you ever heard of that? Can you
believe that?
When you’re looking at the Enneagram, if you go deep down into it, each Enneagram
number one through nine, has a deep core fear. They are then taking action in their
lives to avoid that fear coming true. From that, they typically have a list of different
behaviors that each Enneagram number tends to do and not do, to again, avoid that
fear coming true. I was introduced to the Enneagram I think around 2013, 2014 when I
was first putting my coaching business together. I was, again, taking in so much
information about what I wanted to include in my coaching process. I looked at the
Enneagram, but I didn’t quite understand it at the time. I didn’t get a lot of offers in my
own life from it and I pushed it aside and I moved on.
Well, then in about 2018, 2017 maybe on Instagram, Enneagram just became really hot.
Everybody and their dog was talking about it. You would even see at all these churches
that were in my area of like come take this Enneagram workshop. It just seems to be
accepted by everybody and everyone was talking about it and what Enneagram number
they were and sharing all these images they saw on Instagram. Enneagram coaches
became really hot. I must admit there was a part of me that was like, “Oh, I wish I had
invested in knowing the Enneagram.”
You’ll learn this a bit later about me as we talk about my Enneagram number, but for
me to be able to go out and share something, I have to feel like I really know it. It’s
taken me about three years of consistently studying the Enneagram to feel like okay,
I’ve got an understanding on this baby. Now let me share some understandings that I
have with the world and here we are today with this podcast. Let me backtrack a little
bit more for you. In 2017 is when the Enneagram became hot. That was when I had my
son and I was taking some time off, but when I came back in 2019 and I restarted my
coaching business. That was when I started testing my clients for what Enneagram
number they were.
I started digging deeper into my own Enneagram number and then just touching on the
other Enneagram numbers. What I was doing here, I was just trying to get an overall
idea of this Enneagram thing and it was something that I found a value in my own life
and in my client’s lives. I was lucky at this point because before, as I said, I had touched
on it and didn’t find value, didn’t understand it. Now, all of these teachers started to
bubble up, and all these coaches started to come out of “Hey, I know Enneagram, let me
teach you.” It just happened that the middle school principal at my daughter’s school,
she is a certified life coach, crazy cool, and she is well versed in the Enneagram.
She had a free Enneagram workshop at my daughter’s school for parents and teachers,
and of course, I raised my hand and rushed my little booty out there and I gained so
much value from that workshop. I’ll tell you the story here in a bit, but she just opened
my eyes in a whole new way to it and I finally got it. Then I started to study up even
more on the other Enneagram numbers and I was setting my clients behind the scenes
of okay, what am I seeing here based on their Enneagram numbers? What does this
mean for them? As time has gone on, now it’s been two years that I’ve been testing my
clients and their Enneagram and I’m seeing patterns.
There are a couple Enneagram numbers I’ll get to today that I just feel like I get it. I’m
an expert at those Enneagram numbers. I know what their problems are. I know how to
solve them. I know even their problems before they even see their own problems. I just
get them. We’ve created this synergy with one another and it’s just a magical, magical
place. Now, I’ll also share there are so many Enneagram numbers. I’m not quite there
yet with. I’m going to be forward and honest with you about that and how I’m still
working on some other Enneagram numbers. In hopes of just you having your own
insight too, and just being authentic with you.
I say that often on the show, I’m here to put myself out there, good, bad, and ugly, but
there are a few Enneagram numbers that I’m like, “Oh my gosh, I get it.” I’m finding that
I’m attracting those numbers to me over and over again, to a point where it’s like, “Oh
my gosh, should I just work with these Enneagram numbers?” Because it just seems not
only do I attract them, but once they’re in the coaching process, again, there’s a
synergy.
Today again, I’m sharing all my understandings with you. If it’s a vast understanding of
some, and if it’s not with others, I will be authentic and honest with you. We’ve got to
jump in. I’m already at 10 minutes into the show, I need to get moving.
Let’s first talk about my Enneagram number, because I’m going to continually reference
that back. Because what I learned from that workshop that I mentioned earlier at my
daughter’s school was an Enneagram in essence is, like we all have different colored
glasses that we’re wearing. As an Enneagram 5, maybe my glasses are blue. I’m seeing
the world in a different way than somebody who is an Enneagram 4 or 6 or anything
other than a 5.
It’s just really important that you understand that, as I’m saying these understandings
today that I have the perspective of a five. My glasses are from that way. If somebody
else is talking about that number or your number or whatever, they may have a
different perspective. Take that as however you want. I always say, take what you love,
leave the rest, and also take in that I’m saying generalizations today. You are a unique
and special person. Some of the things that I may understand about an Enneagram
number may not relate to you and that’s okay.
I’m not going to have you take the Enneagram and you walk in the door of coaching
with me. If that happens and then say, “Oh, well, she’s an Enneagram 1 well, I know all
about her.” No, I’m still going to take the time to get to know you and to customize
whatever I hear from you. It will give me just enough understanding to say do you
struggle with this? Do you do this? Do you do that? knowing what questions to ask you.
You ready to get into it? Enneagram 5, as I said, that’s what I am. I am definitely an
Enneagram 5. Going back, again, to that workshop at my daughter’s school, when she
went through each Enneagram number, she said many times the test isn’t accurate. I
would agree with that, but I do feel like I have found a test that is really good and
really accurate. I’ll link that in the show notes and it’s free to take. If you don’t know
your Enneagram number or you question what it is. Go take that test. It’ll give you in
essence to a result of a pie. It will show you maybe yes, you’re the most like a five, but
you’re also a lot like a three, and maybe you have a little bit of eight. It will just show
you maybe you are various numbers, and it’ll just make more sense to you.
The analogy that I heard at that very first workshop, it’s like a hermit crab who is in
their shell. Going back to what I was saying earlier, when she said, when you find your
Enneagram number, it’s like you feel seen and you feel understood. For some people,
they even start crying. It’s just so powerful, because go back to what I said earlier, is
that really your motivation that you’re finding from the Enneagram, it goes back to a
core fear.
When that’s brought to the surface, it’s like, “Oh my gosh, how did you know that about
me? I didn’t even know that in myself.” That’s exactly how I felt when she talked about
a five at this workshop. She was talking about the core fear of the five is not knowing
enough and really being shown as ignorant and incompetent and overwhelmed and
invaded even. I was like, “Oh my gosh. Yes.” Again, I had no awareness of this, even
after the years and years and years of coaching, because it was so deep down in my
psyche that there was no way that I could have pulled that awareness without knowing
this five stuff.
She was talking about how a five typically starts the day with a low battery. Again,
totally agree. It’s always seeming like for me, that I’m always having to generate energy
and I’m having to manage my energy. Again, I didn’t consciously know I was doing this
for a long time and that I can get overwhelmed very easily and all the things. Fives
again are just known as being in their head. They’re very, very deep thinkers. They can
be very logical. They are researchers, because again they go back to that fear. They
don’t want to be seen as incompetent.
They will go above and beyond to learn things way more than anybody else, because
they don’t want somebody to call them out and say, well, you don’t know this, or you
don’t know that. Again, it just made so much sense for me once I realized this. If you go
back to looking at my coaching business, man, I had some major imposter syndrome for
a long time. Again, I didn’t even know it. I was just like, “Oh, I don’t know enough,” I
was way undercharging in my business. Yet my clients were getting great results and
they were super happy. Inside, I was like, “Oh, but what if they find out that I don’t
know XYZ, or what if I can’t solve ABC?” It was just like this ongoing story I was telling
myself. At this workshop, she said 5’s are typically very quiet, they’re in the corner.
At a workshop like this, they’re not going to raise their hand because they’re just going to be sitting there and learning. The reality is most times five should be the ones that are
actually leading workshops like these, because they’ll come, they’ll take the
information deeply, they’ll integrate it. They want to deeply understand it and then
they know it so well that they could go off and teach it. When she said that, it was like
my whole body got warm. I remember feeling like I just wanted to cry, because that’s
how I’d felt for so long in my business at that time. Was, “Oh, I know all of this stuff.”
I remember even telling my husband once, my deepest fear was I was going to die and
not get all this information out of my head. I wasn’t going to be able to share it with
the world. It just went back to that fear, again. A feeling I was going to be shown as
incompetent. From that day forward on that workshop, I was like, no more, Lindsay, you
are making a change. You are making things happen. You’re not going to live in fear
anymore of this happening to you.
Knowing too of this energy thing, of okay, energy is really important to you. You’re
going to start your day likely feeling, not as energized as everybody else and that’s your
work that’s some work for you to do around that. These are the boundaries you need to
set with others about that as you start to work on this thing and just accept and love
that about you, and so I have. Also at the same time I’ve had to grow in a lot of ways of
putting myself out there and being very vulnerable in essence of even today with this
Enneagram stuff of I just kept thinking and thinking about it, of what am I missing?
To a point where now it’s deadline day for podcasts. I’m like, okay, I’ve got to sit down
and I’ve got to record this episode. I know more than enough and I’m moving forward
with it. I have to tell myself that stuff often. The other thing as an Enneagram 5, since
I’m in my head so much, I don’t really naturally take care of my body. I have to
intentionally do things like work out. This is actually something that before this past
year, especially with COVID was really good for me. I’ve just always been in a routine of
working out. I used to have a dance studio as many of and so that naturally balanced
me in that way.
This past year of not doing those things because I just didn’t make it a priority, my
fiveness has gotten into overdrive. Meaning I’m just in my head so much, to a point
where I’m realizing that a lot of fives now take this for what it is, I’m not a doctor, but
I’m going to throw this out there. A lot of fives have ADHD and that’s because they’re
just all up in their head. You can even look at it from a chakra perspective. I know for
some of you, you’re not into that, which is fine, but that just means you’re really, really
up in that crown chakra, and so it’s way too open and your other shockers need
balancing. Meaning just like your body chakra, your roots, your sacral, et cetera.
Again, it’s like, wow. I’ve really got to make sure I am doing stuff in my body. In the past
few months I’ve invested in somebody you’re going to meet here on the show in a few
weeks, who has intentionally taught me bodywork and coached me into bodywork.
Because as a five, again, I need to be in my body. All this stuff in my head is great and
awesome, but in order for me to actually be at the max potential in my life, I have to do
bodywork. Because again, a lot of fives, they rock it in their heads, meaning they are
smart as fuck, let me just tell you, I’m going to claim it.
When I’m coaching fives, it’s the same thing, they do not think that they’re that smart.
They may like have this aura of it, of I’m so smart. I did the same thing too. I remember
telling a therapist once I was like, “I question how I look sometimes, and I question
these other things, but I do not question that I’m smart.” Since I know this about fives
when I get a five I’ll go deeper down and I’m like, “Do you really believe that?” “Here
are the reasons why I say that, because you said X, and you said Y, and you said Z.”
They’ll be like, “Oh my gosh Lindsay, how did you know?” “Yes, deep down I really don’t
think I’m smart.” I’m like, “I know, it’s this weird thing we do as fives. We try and pump
ourselves up and say we’re so so smart, but really deep down we feel inadequate
there.”
Going back to it, fives are smart as fuck. That’s something I’ve had to tell myself over
and over and over and over and over again. This is just reiterated for me as a mindset
coach, I am really good in my head, I’m really good in other people’s heads, mindset
work is my jam, I love it. You’ll again hear in a couple of episodes have brought in this
body coach or bodywork coach, not only in my own life, but in my practice. I’ve
partnered with somebody because she is really good on the body and I am really good
in the mind. That’s just where my zone of genius is, I’ve accepted it, I’ve loved it and
that’s just part of my fiveness.
A couple last things I want to say about five, so I know when I’m getting a client who is
an Enneagram 5, they’re likely more tired than the average person. That’s something
that I’m going to have to manage with them during the coaching process. Especially if
they have kids, because kids let’s face it take a lot of energy, and as I said earlier fives
start with a lower battery and so that’s just something that I’m going to have to
manage with them.
It’s hard for me within Enneagram 5s in the coaching process to keep them engaged
with others. The first nine months of my coaching process is one-on-one. There are
aspects of the community in there that they can use from time to time, but after those
nine months if they continue to work with me it’s in a group program. Engagement is
important, the community is one of the values of that group program. It’s hard for me
sometimes to pull my fives out of their shell. I totally get it because I’m in groups and
communities I am like here’s all my things I need to do each day.
Actually many times the community isn’t always a huge priority for me. Two, sometimes
I’ll get in there I’ll say something and then I’ll get a ton of engagement and I’m like oh
great. I did not manage energy for this. Again fives, this is a big deal for them, this
energy thing. I have to pull fives out of their shell because that’s that Hermit crab in
their shell, and get them engaged and just make sure that they’re still meeting the
minimal requirements of that group.
The other thing too, a lot of parents come to me and they’re like, “Oh I just don’t like
people, or I don’t have any friends, or I’m really picky about my friends.” Again I’m like,
“I totally get it, I’m the same way, but we have to balance this. We have to find some
really great healthy relationships for you that aren’t going to be super draining for you.
Also let’s change that script about not liking people, you just maybe haven’t been in the
right environments.” Because we get so drained as fives, we do have to be around the
right people. We can’t be around people who have a ton of drama and just like a funky
energy and essence even, they’re just going to be draining to us and that’s okay, we just
need to accept that. We still need to engage in the world to find those people, because
it’s just so important.
The other thing that I see with five is a lot of times they love my coaching process,
they’re like, “Man Lindsey you know your shit. I’m so happy I invested in this.” What
they’re basing off of their results is how much new content am I learning? I get it,
again, I’m a five. Really content plus coaching equals change and for a lot of my fives,
they’ll take in the content and then they’ll be like, “Oh yes, the content was so great, I
got enough aha’s or enough of my financial investment back just from the content.” I’m
like, “No, no bro. That’s just where we’re getting started, content is just a part of that
puzzle, we’ve still got coach on it.”
Then two as the coaching process goes on and there’s less and less content, I’ve had
some fives be like, “I don’t know, I just don’t feel engaged.” I’m like, “Yes, because again
it’s not just about the content my friend. It’s not just about what you’re learning from a
book, it’s what you’re implementing in your life.” That action piece is super important
for my fives and keeping them in that action process. The other thing that I mentioned
earlier is staying in their body and then two speaking the F up. My fives, again you are
fucking smart go out there and speak it up in the world and really claim that power.
That’s a lot of the work I’m doing with my fives, of really owning it, and owning it in a
way too where they’re not resentful, because that’s what can happen as fives.
It’s like, say we go somewhere and we go to some training or something and we think,
“Oh yes I’m going to learn so much.” Then we get there and it’s like, “Wait a second I
actually know more than these fuckers that are on this team.” Again, that’s where my
mind goes, it’s calling them fuckers. Then what happens is you actually get mad at
yourself. It’s like, “Damn here I am doubting myself and think I’m not good enough.
These guys and girls are up on the stage teaching the staff and I know way more than
they do and they’re making way more money than I am and here I am sitting in the
corner.”
It’s a balance with fives, we really just have to start owning our power, owning our
intelligence and going out there and getting uncomfortable as it is for us. To go out
there and realizing we might get asked questions on things that we don’t know the
answer to. Just realizing it’s a fear and it’s something that’s not really even legitimate.
Even if we don’t know something that doesn’t mean we’re stupid. It just means we just
don’t know it, and that’s okay, and not letting that fear overtake us.
The other thing I want to say about five before I move on, this podcast episode by the
way it looks like it’s going to been really long as you can probably tell. The other thing
I want to say about fives, is with five their growth path and this is more advanced, you
don’t know anything about Enneagram yet, this is going to seem like over your head.
Where fives want to grow to, is being more like Enneagram 8s. Enneagram 8s are like,
“I’m owning my power. I’m out there in the world. I know what I’m doing,” kind of thing.
What I’ve seen with some of my fives, is it’s like they forget that I’m a five too, or
something. Then they start kind of telling me how to run the show and I’m like girl like
this is my business I know what I’m doing this is my thing. They almost get like a little
closed off and strong in essence too. I just ended a coaching relationship with a client
who’s an Enneagram 5 and this is where it ended. It was really funky, it was like I was
trying to coach her through some stuff, she was no longer receptive and that can
happen.
I’ve seen it happen a couple times with my fives. Of like, they just close themselves off.
Again, it’s like they turn into these 8s which can be all about control and power, but
they’re not using the best of an 8. They’re using the basements of what we call the 8.
Then it’s like once they get to that point they’re not catching it, and then all of a
sudden they’re closed off and then they like run from the coaching relationship.
Typically what happens is they come back to me and they’re like, “Oh shit, Lindsay, I
totally fucked up.” I just want to throw that out there fives. Of like you don’t want to
get to a place where you go from, “Oh, I don’t know anything, to I know everything.”
You want to be in that middle ground of some things I don’t know, and some things I
do know and I’m always going to be open and receptive like a sponge, because I do
that often too. I have to catch myself. I even caught myself with my coach recently, she
was saying something wasn’t quite getting it, my brain was getting defensive. I had to
really stop myself and change my thought process before I got into that no basement of
any closed off and all the things. So that’s a big one. That’s Enneagram 5.
The next number I want to talk about, is actually the most clients that I get. You ready
for this? Drum roll, please. Enneagram 1. So fun right? So most times when I sign a new
client, I get there all about me page, which is a page of all their assessment results. I
think okay it’s going to be a 50-50 chance. They’re either going to be an Enneagram 1
or anything else. That’s how popular Enneagram is, or they may have like any 1 wing.
Meaning like they are 2 or a 9, but they pull in a lot of the qualities of a 1.
I don’t know why this is, if it’s just like fives and ones have really good synergy, it’s
something I’ve read. Another thing is my husband is an Enneagram 1 and so I’m
analyzing him all of the time. Especially because we’ve been married only like five
years, we’re still figuring each other out in some ways. I just analyze him all the time
and like looking back on his Enneagram and I just feel like I am an expert on
Enneagram 1s, I know them in and out. Like I said earlier on the show, I know what
their problems are before they even know what their problems are kind of thing.
What I know about Enneagram ones is they’re very hard on themselves, and this isn’t
new information to those of you who are ones and know it. The inner critic of the one is
strong. It’s so shocking to me, because I feel like I’ve had a really strong inner critic,
and I can’t imagine it being harder than what I’ve had to deal with, but apparently
Enneagram 1s is even harder. I can’t even fathom that, but they’re very, very hard on
themselves. That’s something I know when I’m coaching a one is like, “They’re already
going to be really hard on themselves, I don’t need to coach them hard.” If anything, I
need to coach them to find more grace and love for themselves because if they make a
mistake on something, they are going to take it and amplify it. If anything, I need to
take that judgment away from them, or coach them through that.
What I love about Enneagram 1s, is damn, do they show the fuck up for coaching. If I
tell them to do something, they go do it. They don’t just half-ass do it. They do it. They
get the absolute zest of what is possible by coaching with me. Again, it creates this
synergy of, “Yes, we’re here. We’re going to make your goals and dreams happen. You’re
all in. I’m all in. Let’s go.” You know what’s cool about them, is they go all in, they really
perform, and not in a showy way. It’s behind-the-scenes, head down, pen and paper,
making shit happen. Going out there and making the results happen.
They’re not doing it in a way of like, “Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me.”
It’s just that of getting it done kind of thing. They really do the work. Yet if you
generally call something out, they will think it’s them. I have a couple Enneagram 1s or
one wings in my group program. Sometimes I just generally have to say information
like, “Hey, you all, you guys need to be doing X, Y, Z,” or, “If you haven’t invested in this,
that, that, you need to,” kind of thing.
My ones will be the first one that’ll be like, “Lindsay, I have been doing more than
enough.” I know, get really defensive. I’m like, “Girl, I was not talking to you,” to a point
where I’ve had to just tell all my ones or one wings just like, “Hey, if I’m saying
something, then it does not mean you unless I tell you directly.” Because, again, ones
are automatically going to have that inner critic come up, even though we’ve
diminished it a ton in the coaching process. It’s just very natural for them. They want to
be able to perform at a high level.
If someone is coming at them and saying, “Hey, we need you to do, blah, blah, blah,”
they’re going to automatically think it’s them. I’ve just learned this about ones. I see it
with my husband all the time, too. His boss will say something generally speaking, and
he’ll come to me and be like, “Lindsay, I need to work more because Peter said, duh,
duh, duh, and I know he’s talking about me.” I’m like, “Really, babe? You’re one of the
most intricate wealth managers they have.” I have to coach him through that, but it is a
very real story to him in his head. Again, I get it. I have some aspects of this, too.
The other thing I love about Enneagram 1s, is they give the best feedback, the best. Not
only just from a coaching perspective of giving feedback to me about my business and
my coaching, in general, they are just so honest. They think very deeply, and because
they have really studied the work, whatever they’ve been given, then it’s just a really
meaty feedback that I really respect. Now, where they need to work on many times is
their delivery. Especially if they’re giving you feedback and it’s not asked that can
create a little bit of conflict sometimes.
My husband, for example, he’ll give me feedback on how I am maybe loading the
dishwasher. I’m like, “Dude, I’m not open to that feedback right now.” As ones, you may
just want to lead with, “Hey, would you like feedback on this?” If it’s not in a
relationship where feedback is expected kind of thing. Some clients will do this to me
from time to time, they’ll just give me feedback, and I’m like, “Woah, I was not in the
headspace for that. Next time just warn me for that, so that I can be in the right
headspace. Okay?” That’s my tip for you.
The other thing, too, with Enneagram 1s is they need time to feel, and they need time
to play. Enneagram 1s work really, really, really, really hard as I said. They can just get
consumed by work to a place where they’re not playing any more and the world feels
really heavy on their shoulders. A lot of them, I see, have the strength of responsibility
so that’s coming in on them. Any time they’re saying they’re going to do something,
they’re going to do it, and they’re going to do it well. They’ve got to integrate that play.
One of my Enneagram 1s that I have in my coaching group, she does this so beautifully.
Every week, she gives us her update because as part of the group. She’s talking about,
“Oh, I went to this concert,” or, “I did this thing,” or, “I went out with my husband,” and
blah, blah, blah. I’m like, “Damn, you are living the perfect Enneagram 1 life.” That’s
what Enneagram 1s need to grow to, is being more like a 7. Sevens, we’ll get to in a bit,
but sevens are really fun and playful, and I see this with my husband, too. We call that
version of him Vacation Jason because his name is Jason.
He’s just so much fun on vacations, like he’s the best. When we first started dating, it’s
easy in the first few months if not year of dating, you have a lot of fun. Oh my gosh, he
was the most fun ever. I love that about him. It’s like he can be really serious, head
down, focused, and do amazing work, and then he can be fun. Where he struggles now,
is keeping that fun part of him, especially now that we have a young son, and I have a
daughter and et cetera, et cetera. It’s just really important for ones to integrate that
into their lives.
The other thing, the core fear of an Enneagram 1 is being seen as bad, they are a bad
person. Before I really understood this about ones, when my husband and I would get
in arguments, he would go to, “Well, I’m a good person. I’m a good person, Lindsay, I
don’t know why you’re getting onto me. I’m a good person.” I’d be like, “What the f is he
talking about? Where did I even assume that he was a bad person?” When I studied
more about Enneagram ones, I’m like, “Oh, this is why he keeps saying that, because
that’s their core fear.” I had to teach that to him. I haven’t gotten that response in a
long time.
You can see the fear in him sometimes too, especially if we get around his extended
family like his parents. He goes into this ultimate good boy mentality of like, “I’m going
to do all the things.” Almost to that codependent kind of relationship. I see this a lot
with my Enneagram 1s because also, too, he has wing two. Twos they’re the helper, and
we’ll get to that in a bit. He just does so much to a point where it’s like, “Dude, we
know you’re a good person, you don’t need to go over the top with it,” kind of stuff. Just
be aware of that.
Like I said earlier, when they commit, they commit, but the big thing is they need to
watch those perfectionistic tendencies of just going over the top, beating themselves
up in the process. Even, too, they can vacillate a little bit, which vacillating means they
have black and white thinking. Think about it, if their core fear is that they’re bad, that’s
very black and white of either something’s good or bad. I have to just neutralize that
for a lot of my ones of you’re neither good nor bad. A lot of times, too, they got a story
as kids of that bad boy, “Don’t do that, bad boy.”
I even saw my mother-in-law do this with some things. I was like, “Oh, okay, now I’m
getting more of this story of why he’s a one.” Just be mindful of that. Not everything is
good or bad. Actually everything is gray, it’s in the middle. Just take that in. Okay? I am
seeing now this episode is getting really long. What I’m going to do is I’m going to go
through one more Enneagram number, and then next week, we’re going to go through
the next Enneagram number. This is going to be a two-parter, all right, my friend
because I don’t want you to sit here for the next three hours talking about Enneagram.
Just keep in mind of that.
I’m going to go my last number, and that is the number two most popular client that I
have, and that’s Enneagram 2. Now, I must admit I have a special place in my heart for
Enneagram twos or even those with two wings. I think in my next life I want to be an
Enneagram 2. I love them so very much. If you hear me shuffling papers, it’s because
I’m turning over to my Enneagram 2 page. Let me just count the ways how I love
Enneagram 2s. To me, when they are balanced, they are the ultimate feminine energy.
As I said earlier, my husband is a one with a two-wing. He has this part of him of
bringing in this feminine energy but yet in a masculine way. He is so loving and
supportive, and he’s able to hold space for me to feel and he can feel. When I see twos
that are women and they fully step into the best of the best of being a two. They are
the ultimate servants in this world, the ultimate helpers in this world, and because of
that, people are drawn to them, especially if they’re in the helping profession. Because
they just have so much energy and drive to go and serve and help and people love that.
Don’t you want to be around somebody who you know wants to help and serve you? I
know I do. The amount of value that they give in the world it just comes back to them
10 million fold it seems like.
I have a two in my group program right now who’s pregnant and you can’t help but just
want to give her all the things. She has so many people that love her in her life. They’re
giving her showers and stuff and it’s so funny because she referred another client to
me, a couple of clients actually. Many times I’ll refer to her and we’ll be like, “Yes, we’re
not her,” kind of thing. Because again, she just embodies the beauty of a two and
everyone wants to be around that and that energy.
Now, twos many times when they come in the door and they’re working with me, they
are burnt out. They’ve been giving way too much to other people and they have
forgotten themselves in the process, to a point where they get really resentful,
especially if they have a one wing. Meaning they pull some of the qualities of that one.
What my work with them is, is to figure themselves out and take self-care and not have
guilt with that self-care. To not be so mean to themselves in the process, or slow down
a lot if they have an Enneagram 3 wing. Because they’re going to want to go achieve,
achieve, achieve, achieve. To just focus back in on themselves, getting slow, taking care
of themselves because right there as the core of what’s going to get them into the best
of the best of an Enneagram 2.
They just love to love. They’re just here to again, serve and love people and fall in love
with themselves. When they fall deeply in love with themselves and they start to push
away that guilt, not push it away, but process it, then they’re able to just love on
themselves and it just radiates from them. Again, I want to be one of these. It’s so funny
because my Enneagram 2s usually are like, “No, you don’t. You don’t want to be us.” I’m
like, I don’t know, it seems pretty awesome.
Part of their problem is codependency in some ways. Meaning if other people are
happy, they’re happy, they’ll put other people’s needs before their own needs. We’re
taught this a lot in our society, especially as women. This is the program where we get
a lot of, “Everybody else comes before us, if everybody else is happy, then we’re happy.”
That is so unhealthy. As twos, they really have to realize just how unhealthy that is, and
how it’s so much healthier for them to take care of themselves. To create a healthy life
and a happy life for themselves and that actually is going to have a trickle-down effect
with everybody else in their lives.
It seems really simple and really logical of just making that shift, but to a two, it’s feels
very, very deep to them. Because two, their fear is being unappreciated, rejected, not
needed, wanted, or loved. For example, if I have a two mom and they’re like, “Well, I
just do all the things for my kids, and if I just start taking care of myself, then they’re
not going to need me as much and they’re not going to want me and I might not be as
loved.” It’s like, “No, no, no, no, no. Actually, many times what you’re doing for kids is
way too much. We need to scale it back a little bit.” Because it just gets to a point
where it’s too much and the child is not able to learn what they need to learn or their
partner, whoever they’re overly supporting.
The other thing too, is that because when they’re out of balance, they’re giving, giving,
giving, giving, giving, they can almost be overbearing. The twos that I’ve encountered
in my personal life, it feels that they’re not, granted I’m a five, and I’m very mindful of
who enter my energy space kind of thing. I can just be like, they’re overbearing to a
point where they’re so needy that they want you to feed them in essence, their selfworth. It’s like, “Are you okay? Is everything okay? What do you need? What do you need?” And it’s like, “Whoa, calm the F down. I’m fine. You don’t need to overly do it.”
You can just tell that their self-worth is coming from however much happiness you
have and their sense of worth in the world is also coming from how needed and
wanted am I. To a lot of twos, they tend to overspend on gifts. I’ve had to see a lot of
my twos pull themselves out of debts in essence because they’ve been overly giving for
so long. Many times when I received a gift from a two, it’s beautiful and lovely and I
love it. I’m always going to appreciate a gift but it’s too much. It’s sometimes even like,
they just want to give the gifts to give a gift, and it’s not even individual to what I’m
really wanting or what somebody else in my life that I know is wanting.
It’s more so just there need to, again, want to feel appreciated and loved and wanted
and all the things. The balance there is really taking care of themselves in that process
and once they do, it’s a pretty easy shift once I get them to that place.
Then again, man do they create some massive cool results. Again, especially if they’re
in a helping profession because everybody just loves them and it’s so much fun to
watch them thrive. It’s amazing, I get chills just thinking about it. All right, as I said,
we’re going to stop with that for this week’s episode. We talked about Enneagram 5s,
Enneagram 1s, and Enneagram 2s. Next time we’re going to talk about all the other
numbers. Threes, fours, six, sevens, eights, and nines.
You may think, well, Lindsay, you only covered three today, next time you’re going to
cover so much more. You’ll find that some of these numbers, I don’t know that much
about. I can read the stuff to you on paper, but some of these numbers, I just haven’t
worked with a lot. You’ll have to find out what those are next time on the show. Thank
you so much for tuning in today. I always so appreciate you and I can’t wait to see you
back on the show next week for part two. Bye.
[music]
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