“When we aren’t aware of our Inner Mean Girl, we live for what others want versus what we want.”
The relationship you have with yourself is hands down the most important one you’ll have in your life.
Yet, let’s face it…many times we are our own worst enemy.
We put ourselves down, we doubt our abilities, we question our choices, we take the blame for things we know deep down isn’t our burden to carry, we diminish our greatness to please others, we silence ourselves when we know we should speak up, we sabotage success even when it’s handed to us because a part of us thinks it’s too good to be true…and so much more.
If we don’t love ourselves for ALL that we are, how in the world can we expect others to give that love and abundance back to us?
We can’t, right?
So if you want to be the woman you KNOW you can be and create whatever the heck you want from this precious life of yours, working on YOU is what changes it all.
Luckily, working on YOU is what this week’s podcast is all about.
Join me as I teach you how to overcome your Inner Mean Girl (aka: the negative inner voice in your head).
IN THIS EPISODE, I SPECIFICALLY TEACH:
- Why go-getter women struggle the most with their Inner Mean Girl & self-sabotage often
- The pattern of behavior you’ll be stuck in unless you overcome your Inner Mean Girl
- How to bring awareness to what’s holding you back the most with your Inner Mean Girl
- My #1 tool on how to overcome your Inner Mean Girl so you can build your confidence & accomplish your goals in the process
…and so much more
Your goals and dreams are worth it. The people you love are worth it. YOU are worth it.
Listen now or watch the video here & let’s make your ideal self happen.
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
→ Continue the conversation in my free online community
→ Get The 4-Day Accomplish Your Dreams Free Training
→ YOUR INNER MEAN GIRLS episode
Full Transcript
This is the Become an Unstoppable Woman podcast with Lindsay Preston Episode 73,
Overcome Your Inner Mean Girl.
[music]
Welcome to the Become An Unstoppable Woman podcast, the show for goal-getting,
fear-facing women for kicking ass by creating change. I’m your host, Lindsay Preston.
I’m a wife, mom of two, and a multi-certified life coach to women all over the world.
I’ve lived through enough in life to know that easier doesn’t always equate to better.
We can’t fear the fire, we must learn to become it. On this show, I’ll teach you how to
do just that. Join me as I challenge you to become even more of the strong, resilient,
and powerful woman you were meant to be. Let’s do this.
[music]
Hi there, my friends, welcome to another episode of the show. Always so happy to have
you here. Today, we’re talking about how to overcome your inner mean girl. If you
haven’t heard the podcast episode about your inner mean girls, I suggest you might
want to start there. Now, you can consume this episode first, if you want, but the Inner
Mean Girl episode that I did a few weeks back, I’ll put a link in the show notes if you
want a direct link to it, is a great one to start with as well because today we’re going to
take it a little bit further and we’re going to talk about how to overcome that inner
mean girl voice.
This is audio I recently did from a live training. If you have missed it, I am doing weekly
live trainings every Wednesday at 11:15 AM Central time. I’m going for about 45
minutes on Facebook. Then, if you’re on my email list, you get a Zoom link so you can
go on Zoom and watch these trainings. We’re covering a new topic every single week.
We did one called Solve Any Problem, which we then turned into a podcast. Then we
did one, Improve Your Relationships, which again, we turned into a podcast, and now
this is the third in the series. I’m going to be doing these for at least a few more weeks
so feel free to come watch me live. If too, you want to watch the video of this training
instead of listening to the audio, there’s a link in the show notes to go do that.
Today, as I said, it’s all about overcoming your inner mean girl. Your inner mean girl is
that negative inner voice in your head. It’s the one that is making you doubt yourself
and criticizing yourself and not allowing you to speak up and not allowing you to just
be the full expression and the person that you know that you want to be and you know
you can be. Once we can start to overcome that inner mean girl voice, the more you’re
going to blossom and grow in your life, the better you’re going to feel and the more
goals you’re going to accomplish as well and it’s going to feel a lot better when you
accomplish it. It’s not going to feel like you have this huge weight on your back as you
accomplish, it’s just going to feel a lot more fun and easier along the way. This training
covers so much. Without further ado, here it is.
Hey everybody. Today, we’re going to talk about how to overcome your negative inner
voice. If you are somebody who ever doubts yourself or wants to grow your confidence,
or maybe you criticize yourself, you just have those things that hold you back in your
head, then today’s training is for you. Today’s a good one. I don’t have my marker on
me, I left it over here. Let me grab it real quick. It’s 11:15, let’s get started. As I said,
today we’re covering how to overcome your negative inner voice. This training is one
that can rock your world because the relationship that you have with yourself sets a
tone for every other relationship in your life. If you love yourself, if you feel grounded
in yourself, meaning you feel confident in who you are, then that’s what’s likely going
to be reflected back to you. If it’s not reflected back to you, then it feels out of
alignment, and all of a sudden it’s like those people start to go away in your life. More
opportunities come, the opportunities and people that you want in your life are coming
towards you faster. It just, it starts snowballing in the direction of your dreams.
I’m a multi-certified life coach, if you didn’t know that, and this is what I do with my
clients all day, every day, is we are looking at what is going on in their head,
specifically with their inner negative voice and what’s holding them back, and when
we’re able to shift that, that’s when they start taking action and feeling good from that
action and then starting to get the results that they want more and more. I’m excited to
share with you today about this and what it looks like and how you can start to
overcome it. Let’s get started. Let’s talk about this negative inner voice.
I call it the inner mean girl, that’s just how I view it. In the psychology world, they call
it the voice of the ego and there’s many names out there for it, from the false self to
the conditioned self. Some people even call it our primitive brain or our lizard brain.
This is a part of our DNA. Everybody has this voice, we’re not weird or crazy or unique
or stupid or whatever. You are just a human being with a human brain. I call it an inner
mean girl because that’s how I view it. It reminds me of the Mean Girls movie from
many, many years ago, that Regina George character, she just puts you down. She’s
negative. She tends to be really reactive to things, very limiting in her thinking, like
what makes you think you can go after that? You know, a lot of imposter syndrome.
It’s very unconscious too. Until we start to bring to the light this inner mean girl voice,
it’s just on repeat in our head, saying the same things and the same thoughts over and
over and over again. Science has shown that we think close to something like 40,000
thoughts a day, 80% of those are negative, and 80% of those are from the day prior, the
same thoughts. It’s not until we go in and we dig deeper in this voice are we able to
bring it to the conscious mind and see all the crap she’s telling us. I always like to say
she’s whispering in our ear all day long of all this stuff and we don’t even know it
because we’ve had it for so long. She tends to be very critical. This is when you feel
moody in essence.
This is your inner mean girl voice. Yes, hormones and things of that sort can play into
that but I always say that that’s the fuel to the fire of an inner mean girl. She’s always
in there and just sometimes they come out when we experience different hormonal
changes. She can be very avoidant and this is the core of the inner mean girl. She does
not want you to feel. She wants, again, to keep herself in the unconscious and keep
running the show of your life. I always say she’s driving your brain until we know
otherwise. We’ve got to start bringing her out and getting you to actually feel feelings
instead of turning to things like food and alcohol and your devices and shopping and
all of that stuff and instead feel. She’s very inauthentic. This is the part of you that you
do things, goes back to this moody thing, and being reactive, but it goes back to you do
things and you think afterwards, “That doesn’t feel like me. That doesn’t feel like the
person that I know I can be and the person that I want to be.” It feels like crap when we
do that.
I know I still experience this from time to time of, “Oh, I did not show up in the way
that I wanted to and maybe even some damage was done in the relationship because I
showed up from this inner mean girl place. Not fun.” She’s very conditionally loving. “If
you do X, Y, and Z for me then I’ll love you.” This is very sneaky because many times if
we just brought that to the surface and think, “Oh, that’s not how I love people”, but
then you find yourself really wanting them to fulfill needs for you and give you a bunch
of things and make you feel better, that’s really putting conditions on a relationship.
We don’t want to be in this place. We want to be in a place where we’re just feeling so
good with ourselves and so in love with ourselves, as crazy as that sounds, that
everybody else is just, we’re there to love them and they’re like the cherry on top to our
life.
She can also be very weakness focused. Anytime you’re looking at your weaknesses or
other people’s weaknesses, that goes back to the inner mean girl. She can be very
doubting of yourself and others, and even just opportunities presented in your life. Very
perfectionistic. Very people-pleasing, which is a big one for women, and this is one we
don’t even fully realize until we dig deeper into some of the patterns and thoughts that
we have, because society as a whole tends to tell women to be nice and kind and quiet
and ambitious, but not too ambitious. I was just talking to a client last week about this
and she’s like, “How I feel as a woman now that we’ve dug deeper into this, Lindsay, is I
can put myself in this box, but I can’t go outside that box. I have to be pretty, but not
too pretty. Smart, but not too smart.”
I’m like, “Yes, it’s so tricky. Isn’t it?” We’re always, in essence, we have this way of being
where we’re people-pleasing and we don’t even know it. Then two, she can just be
controlling. She wants to control external circumstances because to the inner mean
girl, that feels scary. When we’re controlling other people and other things, we just
come across in that inauthentic, moody, kind of place and we don’t want to do that.
That’s the inner mean girl in a nutshell.
Why is the inner mean girl strong, more so with go-getter women? Now it’s strong with
everybody but go-getter women is who I work with. A go-getter is just somebody who
wants something better, then she goes after it. She is like, “I’m going to make this the
best life ever.” Those are the clients that I work with. That inner mean girl strong is
because she has served you mostly up until this point in your life.
Many of the clients that I work with, they didn’t have perfect childhood. We’ll leave it at
that. Something went wrong in their childhood. Maybe it was the parenting wasn’t that
great, or certain circumstances happened in their lives. That inner mean girl voice has
developed as a child to help keep us safe. That’s what the inner mean girl thinks she’s
doing. It’s like, “Okay, this situation happens. I’m going to develop all these beliefs
about the world and other people so that I hold you back and I keep you in essence in
this bubble so that we don’t experience that kind of pain again.” At some point, she had
a purpose, and at some point, she was driving you in a way to get what you have today.
What you have today likely is pretty good. For me, I had this inner mean girl voice who
was like, “Let’s get out of here.”
Like, “You got to do whatever it takes, Lindsay, to make a different life for yourself.” I
just developed this voice of like, “Go, go go. Achieve, achieve, achieve because I want to
break these barriers”, and these things that I felt like childhood had held me back in.
There came a certain point where it was like, “Oh my gosh, look what I’ve created but
wait a second, where I’m going next, this is not serving me anymore. I just feel really
stuck.” In an essence. I’ve even started to self-sabotage some of the success I’ve
created. That’s typically when clients come to me is like, “Lindsay, I have a good life,
but I want it to be great and I just don’t know how to get it from good to great.” That’s
why the inner mean girl is just not serving anymore. The other thing is that the more
barriers you’ve broken, the more you’ve likely needed her.
As I said, many of my clients, they’re go-getters, they come from not ideal childhoods,
and so they developed this, for a lot of them, this desire to achieve. Achievement is
going to be my way out of here. “I’m going to get good grades, I’m going to go to
college, or I’m going to work and I’m going to do all these things, go go, go, go, go.”
They’ve broken amazing barriers in their family. Be it external success, internal success,
whatever. Because our brain likes comfort, and our brain likes in essence for things to
be the same because it likes that comfort. Because anything outside our comfort zone,
even if it’s good stuff, feels scary to the brain. That inner mean girl has come in over
the years and is like, “Okay, even though I know that you want to break these barriers
and do this thing, well, I’m going to be there still driving this, and meaning driving your
brain, so that we can do this in a way where I feel really safe.”
I know that sounds so weird. It’s like we have this little being inside of us that is doing
this but it’s crazy weird how it works. With my clients, we do something called an inner
mean girl interview at some point in the coaching process. It’s really eye-opening and
mind-blowing to know that this in essence like being is inside of you, and driving your
life. Again, she thinks she’s serving you. Just know, it’s going to happen for you because
you’re just somebody who wants to continuously grow. The third reason why the inner
mean girl is strong with go-getters is you strive for more often and the inner mean girl
feels unsafe because of this. It just goes back to what I said here with barriers and
breaking. She just says like, “Okay, then I got to be in the driver’s seat because I’m
going to be the one that helps keep you safe.” Really, we just don’t need her anymore.
She helped us out for a time being but at this point, her bringing us down and making
us feel stuck and in essence, doing some self-sabotaging behavior of not being able to
enjoy our success just is not helping. Let’s now talk about what it feels like when you’re
in the inner mean girl. Now, I gave the descriptions of the inner mean girl just a few
pages ago, of that negative voice. Anytime you’re feeling something “negative”, that’s
the telltale sign that’s the inner mean girl. Here’s how she shows up in your life.
Something happens to you. Maybe externally, maybe you don’t get a promotion, even
somebody cuts you off when you’re driving, somebody says something to you, or maybe
you say something to yourself. You think about something and you just trigger that
inner mean girl voice. Then you feel like crap. Then what most people do, because they
don’t know otherwise, is they’ll then turn to a distraction.
A distraction is anything that you do that you don’t want to do, but you do it anyway.
I’m going to say that again. A distraction is anything that you do that you don’t want to
do, but you do it anyway. I’ll let you take that in for a second. For a lot of people, they’ll
overwork, even though there’s a part of them that gets a high of work of like, “Oh, I love
the achievement of it.” At the end of the day, they’re thinking, “Why did I just work 10
hours today?” “Why did I spend so much of my brain space thinking about work all the
time?” I didn’t really want to do that. Yes, that’s a distraction. Go into the phone or TV is
a big one. Why did I just watch three hours of Netflix? Why did I just scroll my phone on
my lunch break? I didn’t really want to do that. Turning to food for a lot of people.
“Oh, let me just go eat a cupcake. Let me just go have a cookie and give me that little
quick hit of something to make me feel better.” Overthinking is a big one. I see this one
a ton with my clients. They feel something crappy. “Well, I feel comfortable
overthinking it because then I can just be in my head all day and not really have to deal
with feeling like crap and really thinking about the depth of it. I’ll just spin in this
confusion or overwhelm or whatever because I’ve been doing that for so long, I’ll just
do that every day.” Then you think, “Why did I just sit here and think the whole day?” I
used to do this one a lot. I used to be almost like an overlearner was my distraction. I
realized a lot of times when I was around people and stuff, I’d be sitting there in the
corner reading a book. I was like, “What are you doing. Lindsay? Like, “Why are you
sitting here reading a book when you’re around people?”
I realized I didn’t really want to be doing that but I was using that as a way to distract
myself and keep myself safe from having to put myself out there more. Shopping is a
big one for some people.”Let me just get a quick hit. Let’s go to Amazon, put it in the
cart, let’s buy it.” Even some people, they’ll be like, “Well, I got a good deal on it.” It’s
like, “Do you really need that?” Again, it’s right after that quick hit of you buying it,
there’s automatically, then it’s just like this “Ugh” feeling afterward. That’s when you
know again it’s a distraction. Gossip is one for some people, especially if you have a
really strong critical inner voice. It feels nice sometimes to just take that voice and put
it on somebody else and talk about somebody else. Even reality TV. If you find yourself
watching a lot of things like Bravo, raising my hand because I used to be there, and just
consuming that drama.
It’s likely because again, you’re using that as a distraction and that’s another form of
gossip. Then alcohol is a big one. That’s one we just widely accept in our society is,
“Let’s go have a drink. Work was really hard this week. Let’s go do it.” Now again, you
may like that stuff and you may enjoy that stuff and that’s fine. Just remember what
distractions are. Distractions are things you do, but you don’t want to do them and you
do them anyway. That’s what happened. You feel like crap, you turned to distraction,
and then you feel a little bit better. Like, “Oh, that wine tastes good. It feels great.”
Then likely what happens is you wake up the next day and be like, “Why did I drink last
night?”, or, “Why did I spend my whole night on my phone, or watching TV?”, or “Why
did I buy that stuff?”, because now it’s showing up at my porch from Amazon. Now, I’m
even farther away from my financial goals.
In the moment, it felt really good because it took away this feeling of crap. Then what
happens is we just repeat the cycle. I don’t know what the percentage is but my guess
would be how at least 90% if not more of the population lives. Feel like crap, turn into
a distraction, feel a little bit better. Let’s go back around. They just think like, “This is
just how life is. This is how good it can get, my friends, right here. Good stuff.” It’s like,
“Whoa, Nelly.” It can get so much better. The way that we can get it to be better is to
learn how to feel more and learn that inner mean girl, of course. When we aren’t aware
of our inner mean girl, we, as I said, turn to distractions, which some people call things
like false pleasures, other people call them urges. We just get an urge to do something
and we act on it. It doesn’t matter what you label it, but that’s what we turn to, right?
That often takes us further from our goals. We overspend, we overeat, we spend time
again scrolling or watching TV or whatever, instead of building maybe that side
business we want or spending time with the people that we love. That doesn’t feel
good. The other thing when we’re unaware of our inner mean girl is we self-sabotage
and we stay stagnant with our growth. I mentioned earlier, this is when a lot of people
reach out to me and they want to work with me. They’re like, “Lindsay, I’ve done some
great things in my life. My life is pretty good but I just want more and I’m getting to a
point where I don’t know how to get that, and it feels really weird.” It’s like, “Okay. It’s
just time. It’s time to go in and deal with this inner mean girl voice.”
The third reason when we’re not aware of our inner mean girl is we don’t show up in
life fully as we want and that we know we can. The other thing that I love about the
age of clients that I typically work with, which is like 30s, 40s, sometimes I get some 20
some things on there. I even get some older in there too. This is when we start to
realize time is precious, life is precious. God forbid, if something happens to us, sooner
rather than later, we don’t want to leave this world with regrets. We want to go end
fully in our life.
We want to be seen as the true person that we know we can be. We want to do all the
things that we know we can do. I remember many years ago before I was even
obviously a coach and even a client of coaching, I was in therapy. I remember one day
in my therapy session telling my therapist, “I don’t really think anybody really knows
who I am, because I’ve never had the courage to show them.” I didn’t know the term at
the time, but my authentic self and who I really know that I can be. I said, “I feel I show
that with my daughter.” My daughter was like two at the time, but I just don’t see that
anywhere else. This huge wave of sadness came over me, because I thought, “What if I
live the rest of my life like this?” Now people, they’re always telling me about my
podcast.
It’s called Become An Unstoppable Woman, if you haven’t heard it. About like, “Lindsay,
how do you get on and tell these personal stories, and talk about all these things of
your life?” I’m just like, “I do it because I know that I want the fullest expression of me
in this life and the true Lindsay, not just some cookie-cutter kind of person.” I’ve done
the work to diminish this inner mean girl, to get to that place. I will tell you, on the
other side of it, it feels freaking awesome, to just know that if something happens to
you like that– If something happens to me tomorrow or whatever, I would have so
much peace with who I’ve been. Granted, I’m not perfect, I still have room to grow. I
would have so much peace of who I’ve become and who I’ve been and what I’ve been
able to do, that I wouldn’t have that many regrets.
That’s such a beautiful thing. The other thing, when we’re not aware of our inner mean
girl, we feel like crap, like we have this hundred pounds backpack on our back. Many
times we’ve had this hundred-pound backpack on our back for our whole lives, because
things have just happened to us and we put it back there. Then we just accept it as this
is a part of us, and it’s not until we feel the full weight of that backpack of what’s been
in there, until we go in it and explore things our inner mean girl voice. We realize that
some of that weight we can let go of. I remember when I did coaching as a client and
we did things of finding my inner mean girl voice, and all the things she was telling me.
As I started to let that stuff go, I just felt so much lighter, and so much more free.
Clients tell me all the time. They go and do something called a release in my coaching
process, and I say, “How do you feel after it?” They’re like, “Lindsay, I just feel so free. I
just feel so light.” I’m like, “Yes. Because you’ve taken so much weight out of that
backpack. You’ve been trying to climb this mountain of life with this freaking backpack
on.” Now that’s when action just starts taking so much faster or happens so much
faster, because you don’t have this weight on your back. Also, there’s a lot of beating
ourselves up in that process of like, “What’s wrong with me?” I used to tell myself all
the time that I’m crazy and all that stuff. It was just so not true. It was just that I had
this inner mean girl voice.
I remember when I first discovered my own inner mean girl voice and I learned that it
wasn’t me. It was just this part of me that in essence my brain had built to keep me
safe. It was just so eye-opening to know that that wasn’t me, because I just kept
thinking there was something wrong with me, and so many people think this. They
think deep down, they’re not enough, there’s something wrong with them and so many
other things in there. They’re just telling themselves a bunch of crap all day long. How
the heck are you going to go after your best life and be your best person, if there’s a
part of you that’s doubting it and criticizing you and all that stuff?
It’s you’re climbing life with this hundred-pound backpack. The last thing I want to say
here is when we aren’t aware of our inner mean girl, we live for what others want
versus what we want. This is a big thing. I see a lot with clients too, is because they
wanted to achieve in life. They knew that, for whatever reason, they wanted their life to
be different than what their childhood was, for big and small ways. Not every client I
work with has a “hard childhood” in some way, but they say, “What’s the easiest way out
of here?” Maybe they go to college and then all of a sudden it’s like, “Law looks really
great or accounting looks really great, or going to med school looks really great.” I have
clients in all three professions right now feeling the same way.
They’re realizing, “That wasn’t it really what I wanted. It’s what other people wanted for
me and I also just wanted a ticket out of the progression of where my life could have
been. Now it’s time to really figure out what I want out of life.” Just know there’s
nothing wrong with you if you’re feeling this stuff. This is just your inner mean girl. I’m
going to switch my- what are these called? Sticky pads real quick. Here’s what life
starts to feel like after you overcome that negative inner voice or that inner mean girl
voice, is you feel a feeling, many times a “negative feeling”. Then you feel the depth of
the feeling.
What a concept, right? You feel the depth of a feeling. Then after you feel the depth of
the feeling, you start to become neutral. You feel neutral about it. You likely even feel
empowered, you feel a lot of peace with it. Then you feel better with long-lasting
results. You’re not going and turning to distractions, which is making you feel even
crappier and keeping you from your goals. You’re not just repeating the same feelings
over and over again. Some people will say same– I can’t say this on Facebook, but
same S-H-I-T, different day. We don’t want that for you.
We want you to have new experiences and new growth and new things. I just put out a
podcast today called 10-year Visions. When I talk about 10 years ago, what my life was
like and now, I said, one of the biggest successes of that in these 10 years is not just my
growth, because in essence, in the past 10 years, I went from having my daughter. I was
unmarried and I ended up having her on Medicaid, because I just did not have a lot of
money, to now being somebody who I consider to be very successful. Financially, I’m in
a completely different spot, if we just look at the financial difference.
The biggest difference is that my life in these past 10 years hasn’t just been a rinse and
repeat it. It hasn’t been like, I’ve been the same person, I’ve done the same things. I’ve
been able to grow and grow and grow and grow. The reason why is because I did not
stay in that initial pattern of behavior of just feel something crappy, turned into
distraction, feel a little bit better, go back around. This is the good stuff, my friends, as
crazy as that sounds, feel our feelings. I really don’t like to feel my feelings, let me be
honest with you. No brain does.
This is the power. It’s to feel that stuff. Remember how I said the inner mean girl wants
to avoid our feelings? Why, because she wants to be in charge. We want to go in and
feel the feelings and then we can go to neutrality, and then that stuff’s not going to be
triggering for us anymore. Then a new thing may happen. I always say new level, new
devil. We feel a new feeling, but then we know how to deal with it. We go back around
and that’s when we just start climbing the mountain of life, and just keep going and
going and going and going.
What I’m going to teach you now is how to, in essence, spot, what the inner mean girl is
telling you and start to feel your feelings more. You ready for this? I hope so, let me get
my board. What I’m going to teach you now, actually, I’m going to get the other things
first so I can teach you off of this. I’m going to teach you the self-coaching model. If
you have been on some of these other trainings, you’ve already seen it. If you’re a client
of mine, especially a recent client, you know about this, but this is what we want to do.
If this is new to you, you need to take notes on this. This tool is what can really start to
open your eyes to your inner mean girl voice and change the game for you and feel
your feelings.
A self-coaching model in essence is on the side of the page you put C-T-F-A-R. C stands
for circumstances. When you’re doing these models, you want to just list out whatever
circumstance happens to you. I’ll do some examples here to walk you through this.
You’ll put a circumstance here and a circumstance are just things that happen in your
world that you can’t control. A circumstance would be somebody cut me off while
driving. I didn’t get the promotion at work. My boyfriend or husband told me that he
doesn’t want to go out with me on Friday night. Those are just things that happen in
our world. We don’t have control over them, because we don’t have control over other
people. Then our thoughts is the next line. Thoughts are sentences that run through
our brains.
I underlined sentence here, because many times we think our thoughts are facts.
They’re not facts. They are sentences in our brain, and I’ll show you here more in a
minute. The next line on your self-coaching model is your feelings. These are just
vibrations in your body, when you think a thought. Our brain, as I said, loves to get
scared of feelings, but feelings are just vibrations. If we are willing to fill through the
vibration of something, we’re freaking unstoppable. Yes, it was just like that little chart
I showed you of us going around, when we feel the depth, then we can get to neutrality
and move on. That’s what happens when we just feel a vibration. So many times too,
when you’re being like, “Oh, I don’t know if I really want to put myself out there in this
way”, why?
The worst thing that can happen is that maybe you feel disappointment or rejection or
something like that. It’s just a feeling. You can go and just feel the feeling of it and
then just process it through and then you’ll be able to overcome it and go on to the
next thing. Then the next line on the self-coaching model is actions. These are just the
behaviors that you take from your way of thinking, and then we get our results from
them. I know right now you’re like what, “Well, Lindsay”, especially if you don’t know
the coaching model, but really write this down. Maybe take a screenshot of it because
this is what you’re going to want to go back to.
All right. Let’s work through some real ones real quick, because I don’t want to keep
you on too long, but I want you to understand how this works in the real world. Here I
am, I’m making my model. Again, C stands for circumstances, T for thoughts, F for
feelings, A for actions, R for results. I must say, need to give credit to who developed
the model. You can see my ring light in there, but it’s for Brooke Castillo, she’s with the
life coach school, so this is not my zone of genius at all. She came up with this tool and
many of us just use it because it’s so freaking awesome. This is one of the tools that I
use in my coaching process, but it’s just one that I love teaching, especially to people
who are new with trying to understand their inner mean girl voice, because it just
allows you to quickly and easily see how that voice is holding you back.
Let me think of a circumstance from my own life recently that I did. All right. Let’s think
about something. Let’s do, trying to think all these business stuff starts coming up in
my mind and I’m like, “Do I want to share with them?”, because sometimes clients will
trigger certain things in you. I’m going to give you the example of– Gosh, what has
been one that I’ve done recently? I know one, I’m going to have to do a business one
because this is the one that keeps coming to my mind, but I’m going to put that– A
client that I had was triggered by something I said.
Here’s the other thing I want to get is that when you’re coaching with me or any other
coach, of course you are signing up for growth. Part of the growth process is just really
uncomfortable. She was triggered by something that I said. Then immediately,
sometimes when people are coming at us and in essence, they maybe put us on the
defensive of, “Hey, you said this to me and it really triggered me”, or “You did this”, and
they blame you for something. She wasn’t blaming me here, she was just bringing
awareness. It can put you in this spot where your inner mean girl wants to come out
and in essence, you fight, flight or freeze, is what our human brain does. In this essence,
initially, my inner mean girl was like, “Ooh, I need to fight back to this. I need to get a
little defensive here”, but I stopped myself and I started to do a model and think, okay,
what is it that I’m really thinking here? What’s really going on here so that I can
understand what she’s telling me?
She was triggered by something that I said, so some of my thoughts were, “I did it
wrong”– Trying to think what else I thought. “I did it wrong”. I even had some thoughts
of, “This is too much.” The reason I had that thought is because my business has just
been growing a lot lately, and so I’m having to just take in that I have a lot more clients
and stuff of that stuff. When things come at me like this, it can just feel like a little too
much.”I did it wrong, this is too much.” I’m trying to think what else I thought. Those
were my primary thoughts at the time. How did I feel? I felt defensive. I also felt bad
that I knew that she was triggered and I started to feel a little overwhelmed because I
just was thinking,”This is too much.”
From there, you remember how I talk about feeling your feelings? What you can do
here is just to start to allow those feelings to go through your body. The big one that I
was really feeling was overwhelmed. It was really nothing about her, nothing about me.
It’s just that I’m, as I said, I’m growing a lot in my business and when something
unexpected happens, then it’s just like, “Okay, now I’ve got to work on this a little bit
more with this client.” I wasn’t expecting putting that in my schedule. I was just feeling
overwhelmed. Here’s what you need to do, is you need to just start breathing through
it.
You just start taking deep breaths in and out. I know for some of you, this is really woowoo stuff. It used to be for me, just feel those feelings, start to describe what it feels
like. I give my clients this big feelings charts, and I always say, “Okay, pick the feeling
that you feel like it feels like.” If you can’t even label the feeling, luckily I was able, to
overwhelm and then it’s like, okay, where is it in my body? Just feels like it’s really like
in my chest and in my throat. Then you just start to describe it to yourself like you
would an alien. It’s like, “Oh, it just feels like my throat. Then I maybe I said something
that hurt her” and, “Oh, I just like feel a lot of overwhelm, my heart I feel a little bit”
and things of that sort. I’m just describing it and then I’m just thinking through the
feeling of it and just processing and breathing through it.
Again, I know it sounds so weird, but this is what we should be teaching in school of
how to feel our feelings, because otherwise, maybe I get this email, she was triggered
by something I said, and it’s like, I get flustered by it. I have no idea what I’m thinking
and then all of a sudden it’s like, “Oh, work is overwhelming today. I just need a glass of
wine” or, “Oh my gosh, work is so overwhelming today” and you’re just zoning out on
your phone and not working for the rest of the day. That’s not what we want. We want
to just be able to go in and be like, “Okay, what is it I’m really thinking here?” Let me
just process through my feelings a little bit, deep breath, in and out in and out.
We’ll describe it a little bit more. Then what happens within typically just a few
minutes, you start to feel like a lot of people describe it as a wave of water, as like, that
comes in and you feel it and then it gets lighter as you breathe through it. Then it just
feels lighter and lighter and lighter until it starts to just a minute. Now, not everything
is going to be that easy. For some people, especially if they haven’t gone in and looked
at some of the even deeper thoughts with their inner mean girl, then it can be stuff
from childhood that they’ve needed to heal, that’s just been triggered over and over
and over and over again. That’s something I do with my clients, but this is a great way
to just see, “What am I thinking? What is my inner mean girl thinking here and what am
I feeling and here’s the way I can start to process this.”
Now say, had I not done this exercise and not figured out what I was thinking and
feeling, what would have happened is I likely would have taken action from these
thoughts that, “I did it wrong. This is too much”, I was feeling defensive. I could have
written her back an email and a defensive email and gotten a result of, it would have
cause maybe less connection in our client coaching relationship. Then all of a sudden,
then it was, “I did it wrong” becomes my result and I would in essence, push the client
away. Luckily, I did this model before I took action from this place because if we don’t
do that, we end up taking action from that place and it’s just not authentic action. What
I ended up doing after I felt the feelings of overwhelm, I went in and said, “Okay, what
is it that I intentionally want to think here?” Let me erase this so it makes it easier.
What is it intentionally that I want to think?
I really had to sit with it because it might not come to you right away. It’s like, okay, she
sends me this email that it was, she was triggered by something I said. What do I want
to think? I want to think this is a teaching moment, teaching moment. I also want to
think, “I’m here to serve her.” The other intentional thought that I want to have is I have
more than enough time to serve her, because that was really what I was getting that
overwhelmed feeling is like, “Oh, but I have all this other stuff I need to do.” It was like,
“I have more than enough time because she needs me right now.”
All right. Then the feeling is peace, even gratitude. I don’t know if serving is a feeling,
but that’s just how I felt is like, “Oh, I’m just here to give and to serve.” Then what did I
do, is I emailed her back and I took action from that place and then we were able to see
how it was a learning lesson and all of that stuff. Then she was able to overcome it and
get even more out of that experience versus, “Lindsay, you just triggered me” kind of
thing. It made our relationship even better as a coach and a client. It brought us closer
together. This is the tool that you can be using in your own life, time and time again.
I have a few minutes left, so I want to do one more model so you can see it in a personal
setting. I just thought of one that I did with my husband recently that I think could help
you if you want to see that instance. Luckily I’m at a place in life, this is hard to think
of, triggering moments, because the more you do this work, especially if you dig deeper
with a coach like me or somebody else, is that things become less and less triggering
for you. You just have a lot more peace in your life. Your inner mean girl really calms
down and it’s not like you’re having to manage this voice as much anymore. What
happens is that, the person that you want to drive your life, what we call the authentic
self, starts to drive your life and you’re taking action from that place.
There’s just not a lot of drama and if somebody brings in, something to you– Think
about the last thing I just said with the clients. If I was not in a place where I knew how
to understand my inner mean girl and diminish that, I could have come back to them
and be like, “What are you talking about? What are you going to let?” Come back at her
and then it would cause so many more problems in my life. Not to mention that she
would leave the client coaching experience probably feeling a lot worse. That’s not
what I’m here to do.
Just know that it was like, “Why is Lindsay, it’s taking her a while but think of things
that, to do models”, honest, just because I don’t have to do them not much anymore.
What was it that happened with my husband specifically? It was the date thing, but
then it was like one thing after– Here’s really what it was. Is that RBG died. Ruth Bader
Ginsburg, she’s a Supreme Court justice or was a Supreme Court justice here in the US,
if you didn’t know. My daughter and I love her, politics aside. We just love what she was
able to do and the way that she carried herself and so many other things. When she
passed away about a month ago, I just felt like this wave, because sometimes you don’t
really know what you’re thinking yet. You feel the feeling first.
When I heard that she had died, I just felt like this wave of sadness and I even felt some
anger in there, too, from that. I was like, “Oh”. I didn’t even know Ruth Bader Ginsburg,
it was, “Why is this impacting me so much?” Then, I really thought about, “Okay, what
am I thinking? Why am I– Again, so impacted by this. It was a lot of thoughts of, a
legend is gone. She stood up for things that I admire and things of that sort. Then I was
able to see it’s like, “Okay, now I understand what I’m thinking here.” Granted, some of
this is just part of the mourning process of life.
The goal of the model is not always to make us feel good and solve our problems like
that. It’s to bring awareness to how we’re feeling and why we’re feeling the way we’re
feeling. Again, at that time, it was like, “Okay”, I even spelled legend wrong. Oh, my, a
word, “A legend just gone, for things that I admire.” I was like, “Okay, Lindsay, part of
that is just the mourning process.” She stood up for things that I admire is like, “What
makes you think other people aren’t going to do that?” It’s like, “You got to trust in
something bigger.” Remember how I talked about the inner mean girl loves to control
and feel in control? In that moment, I felt a little bit out of control of like, “What does
this mean for women and what does this mean for all these other things?”
It’s like, “Let it go.” You can control yourself, and you can do the things that you need to
do to make an impact in this world. Otherwise, we don’t need to go to this anxious
place because that’s, a lot of times when we’re feeling anxiety, too, is our future
casting. We’ve got to bring it back. This, again, is just a way for you to start to realize,
“Okay, what is it that I’m thinking? What is that I’m feeling?” Then what happen though
too, this is what I’m getting out with my husband, is I’m starting to realize Ruth Bader
Ginsburg died. Then my husband at the, basically, it felt like the same time he told me
Ruth Bader Ginsburg died, I’m making dinner and then he starts getting on me of like,
he wishes that I would clean up the house more.
It was just really bad timing because then I’m thinking is like, all these beliefs about
women and equality for women and all this and you’re telling me to clean the house
more? That’s where I started to do a different model. It was like, this became the
circumstance of my husband telling me to clean the house more and it was like some
not so nice thoughts about him. “Hubby says clean house more, house more.” Then
because sometimes, too, we try and be these enlightened beings, like, we’re all aware
of our inner mean girl, but I went straight into action with that. I was like, “Excuse me?
This is not the time and the place for this.” Then later I went back and I was like,
“Whoa, why did I react like that?” Remember how I said to inner mean girl’s reactive? It
was just like, I was defensive on him. The thoughts were like, “He’s a pig. He doesn’t
get it, blah, blah, blah.” All this victim mentality stuff.
He’s not a pig by the way, that’s just where the brain goes sometimes. Then the feeling
was, “God, what did I feel on that?” It was defensive. I feel like misunderstood was one
and that was probably one of the thoughts too. It’s like, “He doesn’t get it right,
misunderstood.” The action was just like, “You don’t come at me, no.” Then the result
was, then we had a fight to clean up after that, which is not fun. We don’t like losing
connection with people that we love. Just use this tool. It’s a great one. It will help you
spot that inner mean girl voice and bring awareness to this. Remember that one tip I
want to give you here is to keep this circumstance as neutral as possible.
I get on clients for this a lot. They’ll come to me and say, “Well, the circumstance is, I
got a hate email.” There’s one that I actually recently used with a coach and he said,
“Lindsay, it’s not a hate email. You got an email that said x, y, z. You defined it. The
thought was, ‘this is a hate email.'” Again, you want to keep the circumstance as neutral
as possible about exactly what somebody says, exactly what somebody does without
you putting any spin on it, because your spin on it is a thought, not a circumstance.
Once you get this tool, it can be really powerful.
If you know that you want more in-depth work, and overcoming your inner mean girl
voice, as I said earlier, this is what I do all day, every day with my clients. In fact, we
spend the first 90 days of coaching in my becoming unstoppable woman process,
looking at all the things that their inner mean girl is telling them and holding them
back. I’m teaching them how to feel and heal through all of that stuff so that we can
finally let go of all that crap that’s holding them back. I would love to work with you. I
actually have three spots left for clients for 2020. At the time of this live recording, I
have one that may be signing up, so that might be two. Then I’ve got a couple of
consults this week. They may be gone before you’re even watching this. Then I’ll just
start getting a list going for 2021.
I would love to work with you. My coaching process is nine months, and I guarantee
results. You come to me and say, “Hey, Lindsay, here’s what I want to get in the next
nine months.” We talk through it and really make sure we can make it happen and then
we get to work. If I don’t give you the results that I promise you, you get your money
back in full. I’ve never given anybody’s money back at this point. I think it was
something like 89% of my clients say they leave getting that what they came for and
more. I currently have 100% satisfaction rate.
It’s very powerful when we invest in ourselves, and we say, “Okay, I’m going to make
these goals and dreams happen.” That’s typically the hardest step is to go after that and
actually, in essence, put our money where our mouth is and take the leap of going after
our goals and dreams. Having a coach like me can really help you do that. I would love
to work with you. If you know that you want to apply- my mouth isn’t– You have to go
and fill out just a couple of questions, too so I can learn a little bit about you and make
sure that we would be a good fit.
If I affirm your application, I feel like we could be a good fit, then we’ll get on a 60-
minute free consult call and we’ll just dig deep into where you are now and where you
want to be in nine months and in your whole life. We’ll paint a big life vision, which is
so fun. If you’ve never done something like that before, you can get that off of a free
consult and I’ll show you what are the biggest things that are holding you back. 9 times
out of 10, people have somewhat of an idea of what’s holding them back but it’s not
quite the full picture. I just had a consult before this training and she said, “It’s my
overthinking and I’m not trusting myself.” I’m like, “Yes, that’s part of it but it’s bigger
and here’s the bigger vision of what’s holding you back that you’re not seeing.”
She was like, “Whoa. I didn’t even think about it.” It blew her mind a little bit. It does for
most people. That’s what you can get from a consult alone even if you decide not to
sign up for coaching. I always tell people, sign up for consult and let’s get on the phone
and then you’ll know too if coaching with me is right for you or not. You don’t have to
sit in indecision anymore. I’d love to work with you. Lindsayepreston.com/apply if you
want to take that step, but otherwise, go use this tool, start to overcome that negative
inner voice. Once you do, that’s when life starts snowballing in the direction of your
dreams more and more and more. I loved helping you today and I will be back next
week for another live training, Wednesday, 11:15 central time, I forget what we’re
talking about next week but it’ll be on my email list if you’re over there. I’d love to see
you. Bye.
[music]
Hey there, Miss Unstoppable. Thanks so much for tuning into this episode. If you
enjoyed it, share it with a friend. Send them a picture of this episode via text, via email,
share it on social media, I’m sure they would be so appreciative to know these
strategies and tips on how to accomplish your dreams. If you are ready to guarantee
you’re going to accomplish your goals and dreams, then it’s time to start coaching with
me.
In my nine-month simple success coaching system, I am going to walk you every single
step of the way to ensure that you get the goals and dreams that you want. The first
step is to apply for a free 60-minute consult call. Just go to LindsayEpreston.com/apply
to get started. As always, my friend, remember, you’re only as unstoppable as you
believe you can be, so believe in yourself. You got this
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